I’ll be the first to admit that the “s” word gets under my skin faster than anything when talking about babies (mine or anyone’s). I try hard not to react strongly because I think it’s one of those things that people just say without knowing what they are saying or realizing how it might upset someone (like the mother). During a conversation over the weekend, I came to the conclusion that whether a baby is spoiled or not depends on your definition of “spoiled”.
I happen to be one of those radical, liberal-minded, hippie nut jobs that believes babies (or kids) can’t be spoiled by love in the form of touch, time, and affection. Spoiled by money and things? Absolutely. Spoiled because I cuddle and nurse when she wants to? Nope.
People like to tell me that Ella is spoiled because she likes to be held, preferably by me but the grandmothers are good substitutes. The grandmothers have made excuses for her because she has reflux and she had to wear the harness. I don’t believe she needs an excuse. If she didn’t have reflux and if she hadn’t worn the harness, I would still hold her – and so would the grandmothers. I wish I had held her more when she was tiny and days old. She doesn’t need to be excused for being a normal baby. Babies aren’t born as tiny adults. They have a serious need to be held and touched, to be parented to sleep, to be comforted when they are upset.
You can call what I do spoiling if you want, but I call it parenting by instinct. Call me crazy, but I find it utterly ridiculous to expect a baby to come into the world ready to be completely independent after spending nine months being cuddled and rocked and having it’s every need met before it even knew it had a need. How shocking must it be to be to be separated from mom that first time? To feel cold and hungry? To be startled by bright lights and loud noises? I’m glad I can’t remember because I’m betting it’s pretty darn scary.
I do what feels right to me, and what feels right to me is responding promptly when she cries, holding her when she wants to be held, nursing her when she wants to nurse, playing when she wants to play, etc. Responding to her cues and cries validates her sense of self-worth and encourages her to continue trying to communicate with me. It’s important that she knows she can trust me to meet her needs, so I respond when she needs something. It’s that simple.
As she gets older, my response doesn’t have to be as immediate because she’s learning to wait a little longer and she trusts that I will take care of her. Often an acknowledgement of her is enough. Yes, sometimes I’m the only one that can comfort her, but that’s a normal part of infant development. No, she doesn’t respond well when strangers poke and prod at her and get in her face to talk to her – do you? I prefer for her to raise a fuss rather than go happily and willingly with anyone who would take her. It shows me that she knows what’s going on and even at 7 months she’s using some discernment about her surroundings.
I signed up for the long-term motherhood commitment, so I’m not competing in the race to have the baby weaned and sleeping by herself through the night the soonest. All that will come in good time, when she’s ready for it – and, what a short time it will be in the grand scheme of things. I’m more interested in raising a compassionate, confident, independent, successful child and I firmly believe that the way I treat her now (from birth) affects who she will become twenty years from now. How can I expect her to respect me if I don’t respect her very real needs now? How can I expect her to value herself and make wise decisions during adolescence if I don’t validate her self-worth now?
For years I’ve been in the business of building up rather than tearing down. For that reason, I’m making it my business to understand what normal and appropriate behavior is for her age. If I know what to expect, it will be easier for me to respond to her respectfully out of knowledge rather than out of frustration (and oh how frustrated I get in the middle of the night sometimes). I hope that you will never see me yank her by the arm and yell at her in the grocery store because she’s tired/hungry/bored and I never should have brought her there in the first place, but I am human and there is a lot of outside pressure for children to act certain ways.
Will I teach her how to behave? Absolutely. Is she spoiled? Not by my definition.
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