Disclaimer: This is a rant stemming from the snarky attitude I previously mentioned. It was triggered again recently. Since writing is a sort of therapy for me, I’ve decided to just write and get it out. I’ll feel better. The disclaimer is this - it might step on your toes, so if you have a problem with that, either put on your big girl panties or stop reading now.
I’ve heard about and have had several experiences that have convinced me that people don’t know how to talk to pregnant women. It’s as if all tact and manners leave them when confronted with the thought of new life growing in a woman’s body. I’ve been thinking there should be some sort of pamphlet given out at the OB’s office that these women can hand out to well-meaning, but clueless family, friends, and strangers when they say and do dumb things. These are the things I would include.
1. First and foremost, pregnancy is a state of wellness. Pregnant women, except in special cases, are not injured, disabled, or seriously ill. Thus, they do not need to be treated as such. Some fawning and special attention is welcome, of course, but it isn’t necessary to follow me around trying to take things out of my arms and asking what you can do for me over and over again (especially when you’ve never acted this way before). Also note that the question, “How are you feeling?” gets really old when it’s followed by, “Really? You feel fine?” If I say I’m fine, take my word for it. I promise you probably don’t want to hear all the things that make me feel occasionally miserable anyway. Remember, pregnancy is normally a healthy state of being.
2. This goes along with number 1 – Pregnant women are still capable of thinking. True, some blood that normally flows to the brain is redirected to the uterus, but that doesn’t mean I need scolding and instruction about every little thing. Believe me, I know my limitations all too well and I would in NO WAY endanger my baby out of sheer stubbornness. If I need help carrying/lifting/bending/squatting/selecting my food or beverage/resting/etc., I will ask for it. I don’t need a lecture about what I should or should not be picking up or carrying. I don’t need to a lecture about the food or drink you observe me consuming. Pregnancy doesn’t make a woman an idiot.
3. Unless you are their doctor, pregnant women do not need to hear your comments on their weight, belly size, or any other sort of expansion (nose/hips/face/butt/thighs, etc). Comments like, “That baby is just growing so fast” are okay, but “Dang, your belly is huge since the last time I saw you” is not. Can you see the difference? I am aware of every ounce that I have gained. I know how many more pounds I can gain before I go over the goal that my doctor set for me. I know how much I’ve gained in each month of pregnancy. I know what the average rate of weight gain is at all stages of pregnancy, and I know how that weight gets distributed. As you can see, I’ve thought a lot about it. Simply because of this fact, you should not say anything to me about my weight or size. This point also goes for the women who haven’t gained much weight at all. Believe me when I tell you, they are just as worried about their small size as I am about my big one. In this day and age when eating disorders are rampant, the very last thing that a pregnant woman needs to hear is your observation or criticism of her weight.
4. Pregnant women don’t need your commentary on the way they walk. A bit of education on this point: a pregnant woman might waddle for a variety of reasons. Number one, the distribution of her weight changes drastically as the pregnancy progresses. This alone changes her gait as she learns how to balance and carry the new weight. Number two, the ligaments in her pelvis become pliable so that her hips can expand in preparation for delivery. Some women might not notice this at all, but some are very well aware of it as it can be quite painful. Regardless, all her joints get a little more loose than normal because of this process (it isn’t just the ligaments in her pelvis that are affected), and this will change the way she walks. Number three, her feet and legs hurt! She’s carrying more weight and she balances differently. Number four, you have no idea what other aches and pains she may be experiencing. Most pregnant women I know try very hard not to waddle, so just don’t comment on the walk. If you aren’t convinced, try strapping a 10+ pound bowling ball around your middle and see if it doesn’t make a difference.
5. A pregnant woman knows when she’s out of breath; she doesn’t need you to tell her. More education so you will understand why she’s out of breath (and thus, not have to ask): In the second trimester, 40% of a woman’s blood flows to the uterus instead of to the heart and lungs as it normally would (normally, only 4% of blood flows to the uterus). Because of this, her blood pressure is low and she is often out of breath (just from normal things like getting out of bed). In the third trimester, she may still have low blood pressure, but the baby may also be pressing against her diaphragm (that’s the muscle under the lungs, not the contraceptive – she hasn’t used those in quite a while) making it hard to breathe. She probably already feels like a moose, so there’s no need to comment that she sounds like one, too.
6. Don’t press a pregnant woman for the baby’s name. If she doesn’t volunteer it the first time you ask, it isn’t your business. She might not know the name yet. She might have just had a fight with her husband about the name. She might have known the name for months but decided that SHE wants to be the first to call the baby by it’s name after it’s born (as opposed to having people ask about the baby by name while it’s still in utero). She might not want to hear your commentary on the name she’s chosen or the name you think she should use. If she doesn’t tell you the name, she has a reason. (A mini-rant that applies only to me and is in no way a generalization about all pregnant women: When I tell you that we have chosen to wait until the baby is born to name her, just shut up about it. I don’t need to hear that I’m crazy or I don’t know how hard it is to pick a name. We didn’t name any of our pets before we saw them, so it’s a little hard to imagine naming our child before we see her. It would be typical for us to pick a name and then change it once we see her. That’s how Dave and I work. If you need to call her something right now, she goes by Timothia.)
7. Pregnant women (really all women) don’t need to hear that they look tired. Of course they are tired. Growing a human being is hard work! I can’t speak for what happens in the third trimester since I’m not there yet, but I can tell you that early in the pregnancy she begins waking multiple times per night to pee. As the belly expands, she has to wake up to TURN OVER in the bed because it is such a production given all the pillows she must use to get comfortable enough to sleep in the first place. Just keep that observation to yourself and do something nice for her without making a big deal about it.
So, what should you say to a pregnant woman? Some good options are:
“You look great!”
“You are just glowing!”
“Your maternity clothes are so cute!”
I feel better now. :)
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