Ropers' Rules of the Row

A friend asked me the other day if Dave and I ever fight.


Ha!

He is a lawyer; I am a know-it-all. It’s our nature.

We debate often and heatedly about non-personal topics (like the legality of surrogacy, the acceptability of homosexual clergy, and the financial impact of breastfeeding on the nation – to name a few recent topics of discussion) for the purpose of entertainment.

We fight, over personal stuff, occasionally. The last real fight I can think of happened about 8 months ago, and like most of our fights, it was over something ridiculous. Namely, the garbage can he gave me for my birthday. (Yes. Yes, he did, and it wasn’t a nice $100 one, either. But that's another story.)

We have a short list of, until now, unwritten rules we follow when arguing. Really, when generally interacting with each other. These rules apply to us and the children (though, obviously, they are still learning how to incorporate the rules into their lives).

1. Be respectful. This is pretty much the number one rule in our house in every situation, and it absolutely applies to arguing. “Be respectful” encompasses tone of voice, words, touch, etc. We do not tolerate rude, condescending voices or name calling. We do not tolerate angry or unwanted touching.

2. Listen. Really listen, not just sit quietly, formulating your next point in your head, while the other person is talking.

3. Explain your perspective. Essentially, this means tell your side of the story using “I” and “me” instead of accusing the other person. This makes number 1 easier.

4. Problem solve. Work together to find an acceptable solution for both parties; look for compromise.

5. Time out. If it all goes south (like it did in The Great Garbage Can Fight of 2010), take a break and come back when you are in a better frame of mind to apply rules 1 through 4 above.

These rules have gradually come into effect over the course of our marriage, to protect me from cross-examination and to protect him from my tendency to control everything. It gives us both a voice and a safe place to use that voice.

The rules also work in discussions with others (outside of my household, I mean), though often number 5 gets invoked a bit sooner if the other person isn’t following the same rules.

I won’t tolerate being disrespected by anyone.

I won’t argue with someone who will not listen.

I won’t argue with someone who refuses to move toward solving the problem.

In those three scenarios, number five is invoked and I walk away. Whether I come back to resolve the discussion depends on my level of investment.

And thoughts about my level of investment are what prompted me to write this today. I stupidly entered into a debate about c-section and birth trauma, and very quickly remembered why I operate within these five rules. Then I walked away.