I'm Still Here

Hey ya'll.

It's been a while. I've been finding it hard to share our daily lives since we linked our cancer story to the campaign page. I don't think it was a bad decision - the story is out there to be shared - but I have a tendency to treat this space like it's my own living room and we're just having a casual conversation about kids and life, so it was a little unnerving to write while a lot of extra people were paying attention. Lord knows I have a lot of opinions, and 99% of them probably don't need to be said.

I've also struggled recently with how much to share about the kids. They aren't babies anymore - especially Ella. Funny stories about babies and toddlers and stubborn preschoolers are funny, but funny stories about kids are potentially embarrassing. In being mindful of that, I find it easier to just keep most things private.

Another thing I've realized in the last few months - raising kids is hard.

I don't mean the parts about getting up twice a night (or 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 times a night), or changing diapers, or potty training, or teaching manners, or dragging a screaming toddler out of a grocery store mid-trip. Now that both children are fully potty trained and sleeping in their own beds all night (most nights), that stuff seems easy compared to what comes next.

Sorry, parents who are currently elbow deep in sausage-making with your sweet little terrors, it gets harder.

The sleep is fabulous most of the time now, but I'm convinced it's because God knows I need it to be able to handle the hard questions, the heart questions, that I have to answer now. Theirs and mine.

They ask hard questions. They get their hearts hurt sometimes. They hurt other people's hearts. They test and they push, and they still say "Mama..." so many times that I think I might lose my mind at least once every day. They are learning so much, from everywhere and everyone - some things I want them to learn, and some things I don't. Some things I let go, some things I just cannot, and constantly I'm praying, "Lord show me the way. Give me the words I need when I need to answer, and clamp your hand tightly over my mouth when I need to let it go."

Let it go! Let it go! I am one with the wind and sky!

I don't care what they're going to say; let the storm rage on. The cold never bothered me anyway.

Ahem. Where was I?

Yes, some lessons they just need to learn for themselves. For instance...

... your room gets stinky when there are 5 pairs of dirty socks stuffed under your bed.
... you actually CAN find your things when your mother refuses to help you look for them.
... your bed will be wet when you get in it if you leave your wet towel balled up on it.
... your favorite shirt doesn't get washed if you stuff in your toy bucket while "cleaning" your room.

And God knows sometimes I mess up, too. I have lessons to learn, too. I never considered that parenting would teach me so much about myself. And, I never thought about how hard it is to care for another's soul before I had kids. It's hard work, ya'll.

Anyway, I'm still here. We're still here.