First Display of Remorse

Last night while Ella was brushing her teeth, she had a little fit because I wouldn’t let her use my toothbrush. I was holding her, and she started flinging her arms around and then she hit me in the face. Hitting is something I will not tolerate at all. I grabbed her little wrists and told her (in my stern Mommy voice that she doesn’t hear often), “You do not hit. That is not nice.” “Not nice” is the key phrase we use for situations like this, believe me, she understands what it means. She looked at me with a very subdued expression, but she didn’t hit again. We continued with our routine; I told her we were going to get a diaper and pajamas in my normal voice. We went into her room, and I put her on the changing table. She tentatively reached up and touched my face with her little hand. Then she patted me very softly. The expression on her face clearly said, “I’m sorry. Is everything okay now?” I almost cried as I hugged her close and told her what a sweet girl she is.

The more I think about this, the more significant it seems to me. This is the first time I’ve seen her show remorse for her actions. I don’t even know when babies are supposed to start showing remorse. For months she has been demonstrating care-giving behaviors with her stuffed animals, dolls, Georgia, and even us at times. She pets and loves us, and she’ll wipe us or her toys with a rag. She likes to tuck her toys in and give them kisses for bed. But her response after hitting me seems to demonstrate much more complex emotional development. She obviously understood that her behavior had upset me, and she didn’t like that I was upset so she tried to fix it. I’m trying to think of times when I’ve demonstrated this type of behavior in front of her, and I’m really having a hard time thinking of any. I know that children model the behaviors they see, and I know that we are trying to raise her with compassion and empathy. I really make an effort to try to understand the world from her perspective and respond accordingly. I have to believe that this show of remorse toward me and affection toward things she cares for is evidence that our parenting approach is working.