I had my last postpartum check-up yesterday, and everything is great. The even better news? I am 7 pounds UNDER my pre-pregnancy weight! (So, a big, fat "HA!" to everyone who told me how huge I was.) I love nursing. It is literally melting the pounds off of me, and for the first time in my life I can eat what I want and not feel guilty. I think my behind is smaller now that it has been in 15 years. If these stretch marks keep fading, I might wear a bikini next summer.
I feel good about myself again, and it's a really good feeling. People warned me about a lot of things about having a baby, but the one thing I was completely unprepared for was how bad I felt about myself right after she was born. They use the term "baby blues" to describe the normal but wacky feelings you have right after the birth of a child. I'm sure it depends on the individual, but that term does not adequately describe my crying, grieving, and intense need for affirmation. I remember crying and thinking, "Why am I crying? I'm not a crier." Most of the time, it wasn't sad crying; it was like I was overflowing with love for her and for Dave. Even TV made me cry, and that NEVER happens. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and grieving because my midsection was completely distorted. I knew I would still look 5 months pregnant, but I was caught off guard by the jiggly mass that used to be my belly. Not only was it jiggly, it was covered in angry, red stretch marks that looked SOOOO much worse once the baby was born. I was swollen from the surgery, and it was hard for me to imagine that I would ever look normal again. I never had an issue with my huge pregnant belly, but the aftermath of it was devastating. I had a great need to be told that I was still beautiful, to be cuddled and loved on. I was devoting so much energy to cuddling and loving and caring for Ella, that sometimes I would break down because I felt like no one was loving me. That wasn't true, but it sure felt like it at 2 a.m. when I was by myself with a crying, week-old baby. Top that all off with the fact that I couldn't leave the house of my on volition for two weeks because I had just had a major abdominal surgery, and you've got a hormonal train wreck. All of that mixed with overwhelming joy and a love that I've never felt before made me pretty nutso for about three weeks. I've always been pretty secure about myself overall, so it was a little disconcerting. If it had continued for longer than that, I definitely would have sought medical help because there's no way I would be able to live that way long-term. And, this was normal; this is what they were describing when they used words like "baby blues" and "emotional." The craziest part is that I didn't realize how crazy I was until several weeks later when I was thinking back on it.
Don't get me wrong, having a newborn at home was a wonderful, exciting, joyous occasion. I looked forward to and loved every minute of caring for her (still do). I love being a mother even more than I imagined I would. But, I didn't know that "baby blues" meant "crazy." I decided to write about it because I know that I am not the only woman who was caught off guard by this experience, and there are several young women who read this blog that might benefit from knowing that you just might be crazier and more hormonal right after you have the baby than you'll ever feel while you are pregnant.
The good new is, it's not permanent and you will feel normal again someday. Just don't expect the same kind of normal. Becoming a mother changes you forever, but that's another story for another day.
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